It’s been hard these past two weeks. I got to spend more time with him than I normally do. And I loved it. Now I have to go back to being without him till the weekends and I feel and emptiness in my heart though it’s only been a couple hours without him. He told me he doesn’t believe in love….
I’ve been feeling such a deep sadness lately. I know I shouldn’t allow a boy to control me like this. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid to loose something that is already so comfortable to me. Something familiar to me. Maybe it’s because deep down I just try so hard to dig for his love and I don’t receive it. Maybe I just yearn to be loved. To feel like I am special to somebody. By all means, I believe that I have the power to be with anyone I want to be with, nothing or no one is out of reach. But I chose him, and I wanted to be with him. No one else. And right now as I’m thinking about this.. I really have lost my will and my motivation to try anymore. It’s taken so much out of me and I am just still so unhappy. Though I try and try again. I just keep getting hurt. I can’t depend on him to make me happy. I can’t even depend on myself to be happy anymore. It has been so hard picking myself up lately I feel pretty pitiful. Like I am acting like a weak little girl but I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I fake a smile with my friends, trying not to worry them, then as I sit alone in the quiet by myself, I just want to cry. I even just walk around trying to avoid my home just so I don’t have to sit and drown in my thoughts. Something I terribly wrong with me. Maybe I just need to be alone and think about what I want, what truly makes me…. me. What is happiness? What kind of guy I really should be spending time on? What kind of guy would be my best companion? If I should even aspire a life of partnership, or should I just rather be alone? I just know one thing, it definitely hurts worse when I lose someone or they hurt me. If I hurt myself, I only have myself to blame. But I can never stay mad at myself for too long. When it comes to someone else, the feelings are just magnifies because you instill that hope and trust in them and once it’s broken, it’s just so hard to repair. I’m just a mystery to myself right now. I feel like my emotions have taken over my life right now. It’s all I think about. I’m consumed by my sadness I can barely mask it in front of people. I have never been so angry with myself. Like why can’t I just suck it up and deal with it? Be like one of those other girls that just go out and party and not care about past men in their life? I can’t cure this. I’m not like them. I’m am just too full of feeling and I care too much about everything. there is something wrong with me.